My mother has had no love for me as a baby, a toddler, a child, a teenager nor currently has a woman. For as long as I have known myself I have felt her wrath, her despise and quite frankly her hate.
For years I would ask myself why (what a waste of time that was). Until I came to my senses with the full realisation that I needed to look within and learn to mother myself.
Having tried to break the hold she had over me many times over the years, it was only when she started to critisize my beautifully intelligent daughter that I became ruthless and cut her out of my life permanently.
I grew up feeling I was born the wrong sex, not being born a boy. I was in competition with her for my father’s affections it seems from the moment I was born. In fact she blatantly told me she should have killed me at birth. That I was ugly and she preferred boys to girls.
Imagine hearing these things as a teenage girl and worst of all developing such anxiety around self-image it has impacted my life for the past fifty years later.
Her favouring the male species did not stop there. She would quite deliberately favour one grandchild over the other. You guessed it, the male grandchild, which made me think there was something seriously wrong with her.
There are or were no apologies made for her behaviour in that she felt entitled to pick and choose at will, with no conscience, with whom she would share her affections.
And can you believe it, she is still insisting that I remain in her life to look after her in her old age so she can further bully and abuse me?
Deeply religious her sense of entitlement comes from a bible verse saying that ‘children need to obey their parents.’ And for her this is absolute. No exceptions, no matter how old. It’s amazing how religion has ruined so many lives and contributed to more evil than good.
I am not talking about a spiritual relationship with a greater power than our own; which includes being at one with the universe and appreciating what nature has to offer in the most thankful way possible. I am talking about the blind faith of those who use the bible to empower themselves.
The ones who will do as much evil as possible to preserve the little ounce of goodness they think they have in the hope it will bring love.
But love cannot be controlled.
Hence the fluidity of ‘good’ & ‘Evil’ entities that are separate from love.