Having established where my pain and despair comes from, how do I move forward? How do I take up all that pent up sadness, despair, anger (fear, frustration, fear). The hyper-alertness and use it has fuel for my life?
Well it looks like I have started by publishing my sadness via WordPress. Writing about what hails me. Now I must consciously collate my writings and do justice to my thoughts.
My one burning desire is to be published and I believe I can achieve this now I see a path through the fog of my pain.
I must also add that I have a wonderful doctor who is in tune with what I am going through. When I have been at my lowest and suicude looked attractive, she reminded me that I have achieved alot despite of it all.
It was so empowering hearing her confirming what my good friends have been telling me for years. That I am separate from my mother…
That whatever is going on in our relationship, she is the one corrupting what could be a beautiful thing between a mother and a daughter.
So when the doubts kick in and I start feeling I have to justify myself in order to feel whole.
I must stop.
And remember I am worthy of acceptance (as I am…), love, happiness & intimacy.
That there is absolutely nothing wrong with me…
I have every right to live the life I was meant to live and not the life dictated by my mother for her own gratification.
I am me!