Happy Family: ‘Fractured’

20171231_202257‘Loneliness is a killer’ – Seal (Musician)

There is a profound emptiness in me. I am 100% sure where it comes from, but the source of it is in denial.

I used to pretend I was part of a close, loving family and that I had someone to take care of my 18yr old self. But sleeping on my older brother’s sofa and other people’s floors during University holidays, because I couldn’t share that I had no home to go back to.

Became too much.

The cracks couldn’t be hidden anymore.

In fact the final crack that split my so called family a part totally wripped my soul out of my body. Finally leaving an empty shell of a human-being roaming the streets to this day.  I would wonder the town I grew up in, the country I was born in and the rest of the world I chose to visit. This, Without really seeing any of it.

I had further disassociated from my already disassociated ‘self’. I now know the self I knew back then was a construction and not of my making. But I can’t seem to connect to my core, because anxiety keeps me being skittish.

I was once curious, adventurous and experienced going to many places and seeing many things. But the one big lesson I learned is if you are dead on the inside, you don’t quite see things in techi-colour.

When you play the memories back it is hard  re-creating the experience. This is because when the joy is knocked out of you, everything turns to grey… quite quickly. Even when you don’t want it to.

How did my baby brother spend his last christmas before he lost his mind and died?

He was lonely too…

He told me.

 

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