004 Enlightenment: Antidote to the past, forgiving hope…

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“I forgive myself for the expectation of hoping that my past could have been any different…” Somebody said it on Oprah.

A sister- friend sent me a Oprah link where she quoted Ilanya Vanzant and another guest on her show.

I started this blog in the basement airing my dirty laundry for all to see. To expose the shame I have been hiding being an ‘unbeloved’. Today I visualised connecting with my disassociated self to see if I could live with abandon.

The image that came up was of two magnets bouncing off each other. Their resistance to meet end to end symbolised my own resistance to being fully connected and present in my life. Something my sister–in-law told me once.

“That the only person missing from my life is me…”

Resisting a connection to life fully. My dynamic self has not yet let go of the anchor of my past. The shrapnal around the space I occupy.

There is a fear that letting go will see me becoming unravelled, my already shaky foundation crumble, but at the same time I can feel the weightlessness.

I am ready to fly…

Then it suddenly hit me walking to work that I am already living the best I can. ‘Faking it, till I make it!’ Faking it till it feels comfortable and natural to be around other people and not feel ashamed.

Being engaged with life. I am however and will always remain an introvert.

I have no control over my past, therefore I must accept it for what it was and accept how it shaped me.

Time to celebrate who I have become and who I am.

Video: Forgiving my hope that my past could have been different.

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